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transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-08 08:40] majatransiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-08 08:48] (current) maja
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 Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In June, I enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, which was perceived as walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that I'm bringing bad energy to the group, taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped as far back as I could to make space for others to step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in September. While I noticed the same mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiser, I let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or come across as taking over again. Instead, I focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For me, this was [[:hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]]. Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In June, I enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, which was perceived as walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that I'm bringing bad energy to the group, taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped as far back as I could to make space for others to step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in September. While I noticed the same mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiser, I let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or come across as taking over again. Instead, I focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For me, this was [[:hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]].
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 I was looking forward to extracting parts of my memoir and translating them into a participatory session. The session included readings interspersed with short meditations. I spent a few days designing it and felt quite inspired. I wanted to share the practices which have helped me in my darkest, most difficult moments. I had hoped that they could be as helpful to other people. I also wanted to share my writing with people who I felt close to.  I was looking forward to extracting parts of my memoir and translating them into a participatory session. The session included readings interspersed with short meditations. I spent a few days designing it and felt quite inspired. I wanted to share the practices which have helped me in my darkest, most difficult moments. I had hoped that they could be as helpful to other people. I also wanted to share my writing with people who I felt close to. 
  
 As a guiding theme I took the title of Treya and Ken Wilber’s book [[Grace and Grit]]. I described seven episodes from the last seven years of my life, where the 'grit' of dis-ease become fertile ground for grace. I focused on mind training - particularly in meditation and rituals - as a way to experience grace in the midst of the grit chronic illness. I was curious to see if/how this could work in terms of content and format. I decided not talk about all aspects of my illness, but to focus on the theme I found most relevant to the re-treat, namely the connection between illness and contemplation.  As a guiding theme I took the title of Treya and Ken Wilber’s book [[Grace and Grit]]. I described seven episodes from the last seven years of my life, where the 'grit' of dis-ease become fertile ground for grace. I focused on mind training - particularly in meditation and rituals - as a way to experience grace in the midst of the grit chronic illness. I was curious to see if/how this could work in terms of content and format. I decided not talk about all aspects of my illness, but to focus on the theme I found most relevant to the re-treat, namely the connection between illness and contemplation. 
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-{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\ 
  
 With all my good intentions, I did not take into account how my selection of excerpts (with a focus on how I helped myself through dis-ease) could inadvertently hurt people who know me. Some felt guilty or even angry at me for not asking for more help, or not sharing enough, or for not acknowledging their contribution to my healing. Others felt remorse for not having done more. One of my closest friends burst into tears and a half-hour tirade of accusations that I have so much rage in me and express it in ways that only hurt others, making them feel incapable and unworthy.  With all my good intentions, I did not take into account how my selection of excerpts (with a focus on how I helped myself through dis-ease) could inadvertently hurt people who know me. Some felt guilty or even angry at me for not asking for more help, or not sharing enough, or for not acknowledging their contribution to my healing. Others felt remorse for not having done more. One of my closest friends burst into tears and a half-hour tirade of accusations that I have so much rage in me and express it in ways that only hurt others, making them feel incapable and unworthy. 
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 +{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\
  
 Regardless to say, I was taken aback. I felt ashamed that my very well-meaning actions could cause so much pain. Again. At the same time, there was a nagging question arising from somewhere deep inside me - why should even the experience of my own illness be about making other people feel good about themselves? Why is it that whenever I share my most honest feelings, doubts and longing with this (supposedly supportive) group, my words are misinterpreted as an attack and the conversation becomes about other people’s unfulfilled needs? Am I toxic to this group and vice versa? Is it time to leave it all behind? The hosting group and my cancer memoir? Is writing and publishing my memoir only going to cause more grief?  Regardless to say, I was taken aback. I felt ashamed that my very well-meaning actions could cause so much pain. Again. At the same time, there was a nagging question arising from somewhere deep inside me - why should even the experience of my own illness be about making other people feel good about themselves? Why is it that whenever I share my most honest feelings, doubts and longing with this (supposedly supportive) group, my words are misinterpreted as an attack and the conversation becomes about other people’s unfulfilled needs? Am I toxic to this group and vice versa? Is it time to leave it all behind? The hosting group and my cancer memoir? Is writing and publishing my memoir only going to cause more grief? 
  • transiency_maja_kuzmanovic.txt
  • Last modified: 2017-04-08 08:48
  • by maja