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 This page is the informal log of my transiency process, in reverse chronological order.
+- 22 January
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+Strange feeling. This year starts exactly the same like a few previous ones at FoAM. Dealing with people in the studio, taking care of plants when no one is around, organising Mus-e trajectory and so on. Feeling strange because even if all looks the same - it isn't. There are no clear FoAM projects on the horizon. Maja & Nik are and will be traveling which means absent a lot. And even a question of getting paid for the days at work will depend on the money raised from rentals. Not a problem so far. I have secured some financial stability by outside FoAM engagements. But it is a very mixed feeling when i have to be in the studio 2-3 days a week without knowing how much funds will that generate.
+Regarding rentals i push for long term contracts rather than short ones with the hope that in this way it will become more self sustaining and will need less of my engagement. I might be wrong here. We will see.
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+Mus-e - this year i will be working with 3 classes. It is nice to have such a trust from the organisation. We had a long talk last autumn with the core team of Mus-e where i also raised what the weak or heavy points from our collaboration are. Previous years i mainly struggled with the communication with them. So this time we started talking with schools and teachers a lot earlier and there was always a Mus-e representative present in making the planning and explaining the trajectory guidelines. It makes a huge difference. Teachers are more comfortable hearing not only my ideas but also what the larger picture and the purpose of such practice is.
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+- 08 January
+"The line recasts itself, pulls in toward the skin unbuckling the knot in my ribs, an aperture shuttering the empty sweep again and again and again. The word falls out of focus"  from Jason Bayani "Amulet"
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+December- 01 January
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+Last few weeks of the year became very prickly. I've put it in my agenda as the weeks of doing nothing and was really looking for time to spend not thinking about FoAM, studio or any work related matters. But it was naive to think that all the core team in Brussels can disappear at the same time. Especially when the decision to give up contract for the studio came so late in the year and so many loose ends was left unsolved or drifted into the unknown. I've spend last days of the year negotiating for several renting possibilities, letting people in and out, answering emails and even having to meet our landlord to talk about our future in the building. I got very annoyed by all of this. The tiredness from the intensity of the previous months, disappointment in people promising to do something and than leave it undone and the cold and dark of the weather got into my bones. I felt completely blocked to do anything. Only thing i wanted was to sleep and be left alone.
+Ironically enough in our last conversation with Maja we talked that in our transiency somehow we are following the graph of the funeral ritual introduced to us by Barbara. And while Maja said she is still “re-killing the dead” i on the other side felt like going up already. The last weeks i had to “re-kill the dead” so many times that i started doubting if the going up stage will come soon at all.
+Perhaps this year of lying fallow opened so many things in us that we became very fragile. Any prickles from outside gets very deep in and wakes up demons that were asleep for a long long time.
+As FoAM we supported so many people to go trough their residencies and transitions or even personal problems. I remember our members last year offering to guide us trough our transiency. I have to say apart from a few very short conversations about how it is going, no one took an initiative to organise any feedback session, transiency conversation or even a lunch or dinner for us. Any transition related action came from us! What does that say? Do we look so strong or unreachable from outside that people think we don't need any support? Are we so intimidating that people are scared to approach us? Are our demons (and i would not like to generalise here- my demons are most probably very different from those of Maja's or Nik's and don't even ask me about FoAM demons...) too scary to be recognised and touched? Didn't people around us learned how to host, support and listen to the individuals in transition? Or no one just cares about what happens?
+I met winter solstice by sitting in the hot sauna in Spa and watching sun setting over the Belgian hills. It is amazing how winter turns everything in black and white picture. As if our eyes looses capability to recognise colours. So perhaps is normal to see things so monochromic and contrasting each other at this time of the year and at this stage of the transiency. Lets wait for spring. Lets wait for light. Lets wait for colour.
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+November-18 December
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+Someone once said "You have to write when nothing is happening". Last month was very far from "nothing" and not "lying fallow" at all. Rentals one after the other, cooking for large groups, workshops with kids and the autistic group, design and production of a pop up co-working space at Burning ice festival and several coaching sessions for different artists. These are only a few things i remember. Not taking into account trying to pay as much as possible attention to the things happening at home. The plants are always the first to give me a sign that my focus has drifted elsewhere. Both at home and FoAM my green companions are a little in trouble. Caring for plants is not sufficient by just pouring some water from time to time. Dead leafs have to be removed, green ones wiped out clean, unneeded shoots cut off and so on. Well but people need even more attention: Faust having to go trough his first set of exams, while Jura swimming trough almost the last ones, Pieter facing some intense times at his almost not new anymore job, and a fast approaching festive season with present hunting... It is amazing how important it is to stay calm in such times. I often wonder what if i can't ? What if the darkness of the season gets to my bones too? And i feel it very closely this year. The fear and panic of not knowing how the next year will work out is present extremely closely. It is not easy to be pushing it away and telling your self that the transiency hasn't ended yet. There are still things to explore and search for. Luckily the autumn has been sunny and unusually dry. Sun really helps. It pushes me to pick up my camera and go outside. Focusing on the tiny bits of leaves, shadows and landscape line. It is more of a therapy than an art practice at this stage.
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+It was also an important month in the FoAM transiency. Even when all of the core team was in Brussels we didn't manage to meet for more in depth conversations. And even if we did, we were interrupted by many things to do in between. Like never before i had to remind my self one of the Open Space principles - "Whatever happens is the best thing that could have happend ". It suited very well in the past month and helped to stay open. Finally we have taken maybe the most important decision at this time - to let go of the studio. It is a little sad and sentimental but very relieving as well. Now we just have to figure out the practicalities of it.
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+For my self i want to concentrate on working with several performing artists as mentor as well as investigate if i could get a grant or some funding to develop a "tool box" to guide a creative process for autistic people. I believe they have greater creative potential but most of the time they get thought primitive techniques for some simple activities rather than guiding them to think and create what their imagination tells them. So far my short interventions with the group in Geel has been immensely rewarding. We didn't do much. Most of the time just walking, stopping, observing, trying to talk about it. I had to realise that ordinary facilitation techniques don't work for such groups. There is no core to address to, its a group of individuals that has completely different relation to every little step you take. And all of their observations and feelings has to be noticed and accommodated. Nevertheless when a safe environment is created and the task is very clear they do play by the rules with enormous honesty and commitment. But what touches me most is the beauty of every person involved. Some of them are older and found some ways to deal with their shortcomings, some of them are just starting to understand how to be. It reminds me of an onion - when you break the peel you start crying by seeng the naked flesh of it. By talking to them i see the sadness and frustration but when they smile and finally look me in the eye i know it is not faked and equals a million smiles of the other people.
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-I'm busy too. Too busy for a year of transiency you could say. Currently dealing with 3 different rentals. One of which is a total communication disaster... So bad that i think i've reached transition point. I don't want to deal with such things anymore... From next year on i wont do any catering for large groups. Rental only is complicated enough.
+I'm busy too. Too busy for a year of transiency you could say. Currently dealing with 3 different rentals. One of which is a total communication disaster... So bad that i think i've reached transition point. I don't want to deal with such things anymore... From next year on i wont do any catering for large groups. Rental only is complicated enough. On the other hand when things don't go well in some ways it motivates me to do my part even better than i ever thought i could. In this case i made sure that the food was so delicious and i was so nice to everyone that in the closing speech the facilitator bursted in tears when he mentioned the hosting, space and food.
+Some positive things too. With a small Hosting group we went to the forest. I guided a short walk introducing different values that some trees stands for. Such as: Oak for traveling back in time and complexity, Hazelnut and Elder for magic and healing, Hornbeam for strength, Alder for Resistance and Future, Larch for simplicity and reproduction and Beech for fragility, beauty and caring. I like trees, i like stories about it and i like telling those stories. I see a potential for such walks working as group coaching or team building.
-Some positive things too. With a small Hosting group we went to the forrest. I guided a short walk introducing different values that some trees stands for. Such as: Oak for traveling back in time and complexity, Hazelnut and Elder for magic and healing, Hornbeam for strength, Alder for Resistance and Future, Larch for simplicity and reproduction and Beech for fragility, beauty and caring. I like trees, i like stories about it and i like telling those stories. I see a potential for such walks working as group coaching or team building.
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 This is from the book " The Secret Life of Trees" by Peter Wohlleben
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 A tree can be only as strong as the forest that surrounds it."
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 For a few weeks i've been exploring the possibilities of my new old Nikon F4 and getting more familiar with the many buttons and what it can do. I like it. Very slowly we start to understand each other. I feel it is a beginning of a good and long relationship...