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 This page is the informal log of my transiency process, in reverse chronological order.
+December- 01 January
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+Last few weeks of the year became very prickly. I've put it in my agenda as the weeks of doing nothing and was really looking for time to spend not thinking about FoAM, studio or any work related matters. But it was naive to think that all the core team in Brussels can disappear at the same time. Especially when the decision to give up contract for the studio came so late in the year and so many loose ends was left unsolved or drifted into the unknown. I've spend last days of the year negotiating for several renting possibilities, letting people in and out, answering emails and even having to meet our landlord to talk about our future in the building. I got very annoyed by all of this. The tiredness from the intensity of the previous months, disappointment in people promising to do something and than leave it undone and the cold and dark of the weather got into my bones. I felt completely blocked to do anything. Only thing i wanted was to sleep and be left alone.
+Ironically enough in our last conversation with Maja we talked that in our transiency somehow we are following the graph of the funeral ritual introduced to us by Barbara. And while Maja said she is still “re-killing the dead” i on the other side felt like going up already. The last weeks i had to “re-kill the dead” so many times that i started doubting if the going up stage will come soon at all.
+Perhaps this year of lying fallow opened so many things in us that we became very fragile. Any prickles from outside gets very deep in and wakes up demons that were asleep for a long long time.
+As FoAM we supported so many people to go trough their residencies and transitions or even personal problems. I remember our members last year offering to guide us trough our transiency. I have to say apart from a few very short conversations about how it is going, no one took an initiative to organise any feedback session, transiency conversation or even a lunch or dinner for us. Any transition related action came from us! What does that say? Do we look so strong or unreachable from outside that people think we don't need any support? Are we so intimidating that people are scared to approach us? Are our demons (and i would not like to generalise here- my demons are most probably very different from those of Maja's or Nik's and don't even ask me about FoAM demons...) too scary to be recognised and touched? Didn't people around us learned how to host, support and listen to the individuals in transition? Or no one just cares about what happens?
+I met winter solstice by sitting in the hot sauna in Spa and watching sun setting over the Belgian hills. It is amazing how winter turns everything in black and white picture. As if our eyes looses capability to recognise colours. So perhaps is normal to see things so monochromic and contrasting each other at this time of the year and at this stage of the transiency. Lets wait for spring. Lets wait for light. Lets wait for colour.
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 November-18 December